death.

another topic i'm going to talk about is death. its kind of a hard topic for me to talk about but that's why i'm going to talk about it to get some things off my chest. you know when someone in your family dies and everyone's like if u wanna talk about it then just call me. like, what are you supposed to talk about ? i mean, you can't bring them back, so whats the point ? when your're asking me how i feel, how am i supposed to feel ? how bout someone kills someone in your family? it doesnt have to neccesarily have to be someone dying it can be a sickness, it could be an accident. what can a person possibly do ? they can't deeply comfort you, they can't revive the dead.. the reason i brought this up is because a year, five months and five days ago, my father passed away. this is the only thing in my life that truly disturbs me. i knew he was sick for a while. and its my eighteenth birthday. he didn't even look like my dad at the end of the whole process. i saw him go through the treatment of percosett, morphine, fentanyl & everyhing else not to save his life because he was dying anyway but just to keep him comfortable while it was happening. and he just died. in the twinkling of an eye. all the things i went through. with all the fighting , about the cancer. all the things i endured emotionally and physically. i let him yell at me for no reason because i knew why he was upset and i just took alot of stuff. no matter how much i went through with him, he was alays going to be my dad. but, i miss him. i don't know how to feel about death at all. i do believe in God, but exactly where do you go? he wasn't a bad person, but he wasn't a Jesus or a Ghandi or something. so where did he go? he didnt die in a noble way. what exactly is the criteria of going to heaven or hell? i know the Bible says if you do such and such, you go to heaven if you dothe next you go to hell. but, i think life is way more broad than a couple of words written by ancient prophets or ancient scribes or whoever wrote it. i think its deeper than what the Bible says. im not saying the Bible's not true .. im not Bible bashing or anything, i love the Bible it has great stories and stuff. i'm comfortable with death, but i'm not comfortable with the absence of the person. i just wish there was a whole epiphany individually of where you'd go like, ok this is exactly whats gunna happen.. i'm not a bad person. i'm not a hitler i love everyone. i just wish everything was much more clear.. iDk if im the only person that feel this way .. but at times i just feel that things are harder than they should be.

but anyways..

r.i.p. pops. lorenzo davis-roach. i look like him, i have his face, i have his smile, he taught me alot. i know he's somewhere. better off than he was. so yeah. those ae my abundant thoughts on death..